Relationship Dynamics-

-The actual truth...enough for you to comment on how true this post in fact is, when you have a friend with you and you say - " Dude...(points and emphasizes post with his finger) so true. - James Cook

If you are a woman, read and learn.

If you are a man, pay close attention.

Doesn't one find that being the male component of a heterosexual relationship is one of the most daunting tasks ever imagined by the supposed powers that be? If I were to compare the difficulty rating between facilitating a successful relationship and trying to get a random woman to come home with you, I would have to say that god played a cruel trick indeed. A cruel, cruel trick indeed. Naughty god. You might be asking, "James, why is god so naughty?" or " James you blaspheming dickhole, why haven't you spelt god with a capital G?" Fortunately, I have both of those answers. The less important; I don't believe in god. The titular explanation to this blog's debut; Life. Is. Cruel. Now, if you would just indulge my point, follow me.

This is why life is cruel, explained in 4 easy to understand "Part's"

• Part 1:

As men, we all want to find that dream girl just as much as the girls want to find their dream guy. To do this, squadrons of male agents arrive at the multiple rendezvous points, CODE NAME: CLUBS/BARS. Once deployed men have to scope out viable targets in which to engage. Keep in mind that 'engaging' is one of the most hazardous tasks in the field next to ' hoping that you are licking her clitoris and actually having reason to be down there instead of just looking like a douche out of his depth'. To engage these, 'targets' the male agents must pack a vast arsenal of jokes, conversational topics, witty inuendo's, cockiness, smoothness and to some degree, a smidgeon of reasonably good loking facial qualities. NOTE: Most men are not like this and solely for landing and basting a target they will project these qualities to lure their chosen target.

• Part 2:

Hypothetically imagine that one of these man brings his girl home and sleeps with her. Lets also say that hypothetically he starts falling for this girl and a bit of summin summin' happens between both of them...THIS right here, this is where everyman (you and me) makes his rookie error, or as I like to call it 'fatal mistake'. Let me give you a lesson as to what this mistake entails: That guy will start feeling comfortable in that said relationship, and in his comfort zone he does not need to project the lure tactics to catch this target (mentioned in Part 1) once these aforementioned lure tactics fall by the wayside, that target woman will slowly become uninterested and bored with that male agent, thus the hypothetical relationship mentioned in the beginning of Part 2 reverts back to the beginning of Part 1 where the man must constantly work to keep his girlfriend interested.

• Part 3:

In the right relationship, everyman (still like the play) will always treat his girlfriend like a princess. If it's getting some tea because she is cold, getting her a warmer blanket, not complaining if you haven't had sex in a while, watching 'The Devil wears Prada' or simple things like spontaneously massaging her feet, or massaging her back, or making her sushi, yourself by closely scrutinizing an old japanese recipe book that was clearly written by an armless japanese mountain hermit who sneezes, or allowing her to see other guys for dinner even if it's weird because you know that she still wants to feel attractive and available but you cant reveal that this knowledge is mutual because she will say your a jealous fool and that you don't trust her.

You know....simple things that real men should understand. Untrue
Whats is fucking annoyingly true though...is this. Truth:

• Part 4:

Go back and read Part 3 again. GO BACK and read Part 3 again it is of vital importance...failure to understand will only allow Legolas' prophecies from Lord of the Rings 2 to unfold: " Blood will be shed this night" - Legolas the Gay. Now that you have only followed what I have written so far on Part 4 and you have completely forsaken my constant warning I should begin explaining why a re-read of Part 3 is required. All of that stuff I mentioned?

DO NOT...DO THAT!

This is why life is cruel, it's because women like what they cant have. Once you begin doing all of that really kind and compassionate kind of stuff, your not what she cant have...'your boring and easy..moving on to the next challenge' As soon as you open your heart to do these kind of things, SHE WILL FUCK YOU (If I was to say this to you face to face, imagine an intense emphasis on WILL (pause) FUCK (pause) YOU (serious face). Fortunately I have the answer, and here it is right here;

• The Answer:

Put her on ice, put her in the freezer, give her some frost, while your inside eating your moms christmas cookie dough, she is the fucking snowman outside sadly looking in past her charcoal eyes and carrot nose. What I mean to say is play it cool. The correct formula behind a successfull and stress-free relationship is balance and coolness.

Don't show her too much attention, but don't show her too little attention. You love her, but in a steely-eyed defined ruggedly male type of way. Don't see her too often but keep the relationship balanced between your friends and her. You are the most important thing in her life and she is the most important in yours. Keep this in mind, and no matter whats going on both of you will feel safe knowing that you both love each other enormously.

I know all of this because it has happened to me, I realized where I went wrong, and upon seeing other relationships during this lesson I realized the truth. If you didn't pick this up you are obviously retarded, or should'nt be old enough to access the internet. I'll keep all of you updated on the never-ending debate, but until then, enjoy SEX and subsequent LIFE processes.

James Cook