- the womanual -

As if have decided to make something of a supposed talent, I have started writing a book called 'the womanual', explaining and guiding men, much like myself, through the inevitably, inexorable, inexplicable and incapable female mind - in an attempt to somehow shine a short, if low-powered torch of a light, on the subject that has baffled us for, fucking years.

- Below is a paragraph from one of the chapters;

- no escape asshole -

"One of the integral components of surviving monogamy is that of understanding. In this case, men understanding that much like a hair-sensitive scale, the smallest thing unconscious or subliminal can trigger a womans instinct to not make sense. In one second, the female will accuse you of something you never remember doing and you are in one or more words, proverbially and literally fucked. So whether you choose to understand or are otherwise berated into understanding through sheer psychological punishment - you will eventually come to and understanding to understand and take it like a man. "

- James Cook

- Relationship Ironies numbered 1 through 68 1/2 -

Understand that 'i am james cook' is an exploration into monstrous ironies, specifically when relationships are concerned. Lately, 'i am james cook' remains untouched by recent posts of actual substance. James Cook has managed his time and pondered intermediately the number of ironies possible in the average relationship. As you can imagine, being on the giving and receiving end of a relationship at some point, there are endless amounts of ironies lying in wait for your dating future. More accurately, there are 68 1/2. A strange number I'm told, fortunately for the reader however, from this point on I am your tour guide into these ironies.

1. - The proximity paradox -

As a fully functional partner in a relationship, it is understood that the more attention given to your fledged sex accomplice, the more beneficial it will become. Untrue. Partial ignorance is the key (as explained in the post entitled: the sensitive vs. badass dilemma waltz). If you attempt to do the impossible - in this case showing your partner that you love them by putting your feelings into action - then you will clearly condemn yourself to a burning plane descending rapidly into the ground at which point you will either burn alive or suffer immense body trauma followed by intentionally starved trained hoboes tearing at your already dismembered corpse and concluded by mounting your half eaten face somewhere as a reminder never to display much love action with concern to your respected partner.

2. - Your jealousy ratio -

There are some highly unintelligent individuals who respect relationship ideals almost as highly as they respect 'The Hills' or 'Jersey Shore'. These are the people who believe in love at first sight and the concept or love never changing when it comes to a partner they believe can do no wrong. The jealousy ratio argument is written now to silence those mentioned above and condemn what they already know to confirm their worst fears. I often hear douches saying " Relationships should not about games and constant wariness", let me begin by explaining how wrong you are. Relationships do not run on ideals, they run on each partner's respect and ability to adapt. The jealousy ratio is based on the concept of each respective partner receiving platonic or other attention from the opposite sex outside of the relationship parameter, therefore indirectly triggering human instinct in the other and upping the degree of attraction towards that partner. It is a myth whereby partners in relationship do not need to see demand for the other. It is ESSENTIAL for each partner to witness sexual attraction to the other from parties outside of the monogamous relationship. This sadly empowers and reinforces attraction in the other thereby strengthening the relationship. Once each partner accepts this, the more convenient and helpful the jealousy ratio will become. Alternatively, the more any partner rejects this truth, the more jealous and destructive the relationship will become.

Now you might be saying this is bullshit; I guarantee that you will be one of the few because if you are reading this with your partner ( 7 times out of 10, a woman), she will literally be thinking how true the jealousy ratio is...right now. The jealousy ratio can work, gloriously - but only if the attention received by either partner is neither harmful or crosses the hypothetical line that one or both of you drew at some point.

Next week marks the unveiling of both irony numbers, 3 & 4 -

Again, this is yet another sad yet helpful truth brought to you by

- James Cook