Saturday, March 26, 2011
- SuckerPunch: an awesome defying film -
after trying not to punch the extremely slow girl fetching my popcorn in the neck, i grabbed my fanta blueberry and fucking levitated to the imax theatre to watch what was to be the most brain exploding, nose-bleeding, pulling your teeth out from the awesomeness-ness movie ever. upon watching suckerpunch, three things became very clear to me. first, the director had intended for the film to explode your face from its sheer badass-ness. secondly, the film is a mash-up of inception, 300 and the most expensive soft-core porn film ever made. thirdly, the film was badly titled…it should have been named: "totally-insane-balls-to-the-wall-badass-motherfucka-movie-any-guy-in-the-world-wishes-he-could-watch-on-his-own-so-that-he-could-ultrawank-to-every-frame-possible" movie…produced by warner bros and legendary pictures.
the first third of the film contained normal levels of zack snyder (director) greatness…no, it’s not a rich narrative that continues to build three-dimensional characters as the plot progresses, nobody is going to suckerpunch for that, and even if they did the fuckin' insane people watching it for real would smell their lameness over the all the buttery popcorn and discreet fart so quickly that there would be a hundred people hurdling seats to drop-kick them in the face before the disclaimer warns everyone how the film absolutely will, without a doubt, be harmful to babies, arsonists, epileptics, grannies, pregnant women and obnoxious teenage girls who don’t realize that their annoying laughter could incite small hobo skirmishes in shady areas of big cities. after the foundation of the characters is established, suckerpunch fucking stabs everyone in the eyes with pure adrenaline after redefining the word “awesome” by curb-stomping “300” and shooting “watchmen” in the face. it would make me quite an asshole if I told you what happens in the film, but…i can roughly summarize it.
five incredibly hot women have been placed in a mental asylum that clearly insists on its patient uniform policy accommodating japanese anime school girl regulations. now, obviously, for the every-man, this is not nearly as sexy as, say, the “king’s speech” where colin firth looks uncomfortably at geoffrey rush the whole time, and then he just nods reassuringly back at him. so if checking out fucking crazy hot bitches in a mental asylum doesn’t make you both excited and slightly weirded out that you are so excited, zack dropped this bomb: they transport to a make believe world where they are all prostitutes in a luxurious brothel in the fifties or some shit. here, they all have to take mandatory ballet and provocative (quote) dance classes while wearing minimal amounts of clothes…obviously for increased flexibility and performance. this was clearly insufficient amounts of badass awesome for the director, so he put in a third reality. in this reality the five women are still prostitutes, except they have to undertake five insane quests to win their freedom from the brothel/asylum. the missions are no big deal, casual one might say. battles with future nazi zombies, orcs, sexy medieval armour mixed with big-ass machine guns. not to reveal too much, but my personal highlight would have to be when “baby doll” (emily browning) ducks, evades and back-flips her way through rains of bullets from a giant mini-gun when she slow-motion jumps above a giant samurai (wielding the giant mini-gun), lands on his chest while shooting him in the face with a personalized colt handgun of some kind before hopping of his head and walking away from the now collapsing japanese temple.as i said, casual…like when “baby-doll” outruns a dragon’s fire breathe on foot before jumping fifty feet in the air turning around looking all sexy and shit and then stabbing the dragon in the head like a bitch.
overall, suckerpunch has your gran's balls in a deathgrip for the first 120 minutes (the whole film) resulting from its recurring awesomeness. I highly recommend you watch the movie if it’s in your nature to spontaneously free-climb urban landscapes wearing a sweet coat that ripples in the wind all the time especially when you stand all attitude because from profile you’re looking all badass while your coat flows behind you. i suggest my review be the only incentive needed to watch it, short of personally accommodating a visit from me where i dig up your first pet in front of you and make it eat chocolate. in a world without truly awesome movies, suckerpunch is a truly awesome movie, so there are actually no truly awesome movies until suckerpunch which is now a truly awesome movie.
- i am james cook
- i am james cook
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