- mad-dog game -

It has recently come to my attention that the term "mad-dog game" has been too casually thrown around these days. introduced to me by a couple of close and anonymous friends, the prestigious title of a dog with mad game is only bestowed upon the most worthy of party pioneers and in order to clarify exactly what qualities one should display, i have compiled a short list of traits that shall be updated accordingly, starting with the first and foremost three.

- 1. desensitization:

in order to be a mad-dog, one must be encouraged to disregard all and any consequences in the pursuit of a 'rooting' opportunity, in the delicate system of spader and spadee, it is paramount to acquire what I like to call  'mad tunnel vision', obviously barring the health, safety and root quests of fellow mad-dogs. for lack of a better term 'not giving a fuck' is a magnificent lure and reward for planting a 'mad root'. as a mad-dog one must understand that a lack of giving a shit allows for one to lay the foundations necessary to slay your prey.

- 2. presentation:

like a hunter without camouflage, one cannot expect to successfully  mount a prize deer (on your wall) anymore than one could expect to emanate mad-dog game in shit clothes that make one look like an asshole. therefore it is of supreme importance that an epic mad-dog t-shirt or at least a shirt be worn in order to warrant necessary attention in order to establish your self as a mad-dog with equally mad game.

- 3. pack mentality

"- united we stand, divided we fall -"... a quote fellow mad-dog john (the dick) dickinson did not casually toss around in his revolutionary war song the liberty song. in the same way we cannot even consider going against the creed that has stood so strong a stead for generations of mad-dogs. the cooperation and necessary intervention of a fellow mad-dog in shaky circumstances is pivotal if the end-game is to score some seriously mad poon. should your mad displays of disregard, presentation and all round badassness attract an unwanted munt of a female, who will guide the confused troll in the direction of a dark corner? who will spot you cash for drinks? who will make sure you get home after a tasty night? your fucking mad-dog friends motherfucker. 

...future mad-dog steps to follow - 

james cook is back motherfucka... t.c.o.b

- SuckerPunch: an awesome defying film -

after trying not to punch the extremely slow girl fetching my popcorn in the neck, i grabbed my fanta blueberry and fucking levitated to the imax theatre to watch what was to be the most brain exploding, nose-bleeding, pulling your teeth out from the awesomeness-ness movie ever. upon watching suckerpunch, three things became very clear to me. first, the director had intended for the film to explode your face from its sheer badass-ness. secondly, the film is a mash-up of inception, 300 and the most expensive soft-core porn film ever made. thirdly, the film was badly titled…it should have been named: "totally-insane-balls-to-the-wall-badass-motherfucka-movie-any-guy-in-the-world-wishes-he-could-watch-on-his-own-so-that-he-could-ultrawank-to-every-frame-possible" movie…produced by warner bros and legendary pictures.

the first third of the film contained normal levels of zack snyder (director) greatness…no, it’s not a rich narrative that continues to build three-dimensional characters as the plot progresses, nobody is going to suckerpunch for that, and even if they did the fuckin' insane people watching it for real would smell their lameness over the all the buttery popcorn and discreet fart so quickly that there would be a hundred people hurdling seats to drop-kick them in the face before the disclaimer warns everyone how the film absolutely will, without a doubt,  be harmful to babies, arsonists, epileptics, grannies, pregnant women and obnoxious teenage girls who don’t realize that their annoying laughter could incite small hobo skirmishes in shady areas of big cities. after the foundation of the characters is established, suckerpunch fucking stabs everyone in the eyes with pure adrenaline after redefining the word “awesome” by curb-stomping “300” and shooting “watchmen” in the face. it would make me quite an asshole if I told you what happens in the film, but…i can roughly summarize it.

five incredibly hot women have been placed in a mental asylum that clearly insists on its patient uniform policy accommodating japanese anime school girl regulations. now, obviously, for the every-man, this is not nearly as sexy as, say, the “king’s speech” where colin firth looks uncomfortably at geoffrey rush the whole time, and then he just nods reassuringly back at him. so if checking out fucking crazy hot bitches in a mental asylum doesn’t make you both excited and slightly weirded out that you are so excited, zack dropped this bomb: they transport to a make believe world where they are all prostitutes in a luxurious brothel in the fifties or some shit. here, they all have to take mandatory ballet and provocative (quote) dance classes while wearing minimal amounts of clothes…obviously for increased flexibility and performance. this was clearly insufficient amounts of badass awesome for the director, so he put in a third reality. in this reality the five women are still prostitutes, except they have to undertake five insane quests to win their freedom from the brothel/asylum. the missions are no big deal, casual one might say. battles with future nazi zombies, orcs, sexy medieval armour mixed with big-ass machine guns. not to reveal too much, but my personal highlight would have to be when “baby doll” (emily browning) ducks, evades and back-flips her way through rains of bullets from a giant mini-gun when she slow-motion jumps above a giant samurai (wielding the giant mini-gun), lands on his chest while shooting him in the face with a personalized colt handgun of some kind before hopping of his head and walking away from the now collapsing japanese temple.as i said, casual…like when “baby-doll” outruns a dragon’s fire breathe on foot before jumping fifty feet in the air turning around looking all sexy and shit and then stabbing the dragon in the head like a bitch.

overall, suckerpunch has your gran's balls in a deathgrip for  the first 120 minutes (the whole film) resulting from its recurring awesomeness. I highly recommend you watch the movie if it’s in your nature to spontaneously free-climb urban landscapes wearing a sweet coat that ripples in the wind all the time especially when you stand all attitude because from profile you’re looking all badass while your coat flows behind you. i suggest my review be the only incentive needed to watch it, short of personally accommodating a visit from me where i dig up your first pet in front of you and make it eat chocolate. in a world without truly awesome movies, suckerpunch is a truly awesome movie, so there are actually no truly awesome movies until suckerpunch which is now a truly awesome movie.   

- i am james cook

- charlie sheen on "epic and 'bi' winning - 

a small editing tribute to the vatican assassin warlock himself. bi-polar? fuck that...bi-winning, because dying's for fools bitch 

- yeah motherfucker, he got tiger blood, he just killed one - 

- the god complex -
start playing this song before you read, its not important...it's essential

as i write this i cant help but feel like a hero. the power of music can be so motivating at times, especially when you have the most epic song playing in your earholes. no, i'm not fucking around, caps lock alone could not do the song electrifying my body as i write justice. wait...draw the biggest F you can on a sheet of A3 paper, now imagine that you just sucked at trying to write in the biggest letters possible how fucking awesome this song is. no exaggeration, only letters individually as epically massive as the sun can do this song justice if you want to write "fucking legendary". as a reader i am sure that there are times where listening to a particular song may inspire you to crouch on the edge of tall buildings and look over the city eager for some justice-type action. some songs just have the ability to make you walk faster in a certain rhythm, eager on smashing the collar bones of 9 criminals. or perhaps you will imagine the face of somebody you hate in a fantastically unrealistic scenario involving the approval of a hot chick that ends with you opening your heineken with their face. 


as i am almost 100% certain that the song that i am listening to can only be listened to while you are staring into an empty grey sky wearing a long coat of some kind that billows in the wind, granite-eyed conviction most mortals would tremble before etched onto your indestructible and awesome steel face; i strongly urge you to do so. in fact not only am i suggesting this to you but this particular post is aimed at guys out there so when i say "strongly urge" i mean if downloading this song without listening to it, putting it on your ipod and going outside at night with a duster is not the only thing you will do when listening to the song, i will reach out from the internet and rip your cheek off. this post has literally been written with no spell-checks, revisions or any alterations at all, because this song is just so motherfucking cool, that it demands a certain level of perfection almost no men can live up to. however, if you feel as inspired as i do when you orgasm your brain listening to it then i am happy that i could spread the feeling of heroism anywhere. 


let me weave you a story of neil patrick harris-like proportions; even buying cigarettes for me became an epic journey of adventure. i was ready to rob the convenience store and run away in slow motion, no jokes. maybe there might have been a granny in the way during my escape, i don't care, ill knock that bag over if she threatens to hamper my awesomeness. what? red light? fuck that, i walked, cars? fuck cars they can hoot all the want, i just turned my head and gave them the finger in slow motion while the rain fell on my hair and sneering face 300 style bitch. oh wait...a dark alley way. should i go through there? it might be a shorter way home? maybe it's too dangerou....fuck that! of course i am going through! a little swagger as i spit at the feet of some gangster looking individual. look up into the sky as the light snow falls on my face...and thats just this evening, walking home listening to one song. go boys, be like heroes...

my belt also does anything else that i deem convenient in a time of crisis involving homosexual super-villains all targeting Gotham City and only Gotham City for no reason

-james cook 

Related articles

• "Dudehammer": Total Fucking Destruction Wave Their Wang at You (metalsucks.net)

i am kim

by james cook