- SuckerPunch: an awesome defying film -

after trying not to punch the extremely slow girl fetching my popcorn in the neck, i grabbed my fanta blueberry and fucking levitated to the imax theatre to watch what was to be the most brain exploding, nose-bleeding, pulling your teeth out from the awesomeness-ness movie ever. upon watching suckerpunch, three things became very clear to me. first, the director had intended for the film to explode your face from its sheer badass-ness. secondly, the film is a mash-up of inception, 300 and the most expensive soft-core porn film ever made. thirdly, the film was badly titled…it should have been named: "totally-insane-balls-to-the-wall-badass-motherfucka-movie-any-guy-in-the-world-wishes-he-could-watch-on-his-own-so-that-he-could-ultrawank-to-every-frame-possible" movie…produced by warner bros and legendary pictures.

the first third of the film contained normal levels of zack snyder (director) greatness…no, it’s not a rich narrative that continues to build three-dimensional characters as the plot progresses, nobody is going to suckerpunch for that, and even if they did the fuckin' insane people watching it for real would smell their lameness over the all the buttery popcorn and discreet fart so quickly that there would be a hundred people hurdling seats to drop-kick them in the face before the disclaimer warns everyone how the film absolutely will, without a doubt,  be harmful to babies, arsonists, epileptics, grannies, pregnant women and obnoxious teenage girls who don’t realize that their annoying laughter could incite small hobo skirmishes in shady areas of big cities. after the foundation of the characters is established, suckerpunch fucking stabs everyone in the eyes with pure adrenaline after redefining the word “awesome” by curb-stomping “300” and shooting “watchmen” in the face. it would make me quite an asshole if I told you what happens in the film, but…i can roughly summarize it.

five incredibly hot women have been placed in a mental asylum that clearly insists on its patient uniform policy accommodating japanese anime school girl regulations. now, obviously, for the every-man, this is not nearly as sexy as, say, the “king’s speech” where colin firth looks uncomfortably at geoffrey rush the whole time, and then he just nods reassuringly back at him. so if checking out fucking crazy hot bitches in a mental asylum doesn’t make you both excited and slightly weirded out that you are so excited, zack dropped this bomb: they transport to a make believe world where they are all prostitutes in a luxurious brothel in the fifties or some shit. here, they all have to take mandatory ballet and provocative (quote) dance classes while wearing minimal amounts of clothes…obviously for increased flexibility and performance. this was clearly insufficient amounts of badass awesome for the director, so he put in a third reality. in this reality the five women are still prostitutes, except they have to undertake five insane quests to win their freedom from the brothel/asylum. the missions are no big deal, casual one might say. battles with future nazi zombies, orcs, sexy medieval armour mixed with big-ass machine guns. not to reveal too much, but my personal highlight would have to be when “baby doll” (emily browning) ducks, evades and back-flips her way through rains of bullets from a giant mini-gun when she slow-motion jumps above a giant samurai (wielding the giant mini-gun), lands on his chest while shooting him in the face with a personalized colt handgun of some kind before hopping of his head and walking away from the now collapsing japanese temple.as i said, casual…like when “baby-doll” outruns a dragon’s fire breathe on foot before jumping fifty feet in the air turning around looking all sexy and shit and then stabbing the dragon in the head like a bitch.

overall, suckerpunch has your gran's balls in a deathgrip for  the first 120 minutes (the whole film) resulting from its recurring awesomeness. I highly recommend you watch the movie if it’s in your nature to spontaneously free-climb urban landscapes wearing a sweet coat that ripples in the wind all the time especially when you stand all attitude because from profile you’re looking all badass while your coat flows behind you. i suggest my review be the only incentive needed to watch it, short of personally accommodating a visit from me where i dig up your first pet in front of you and make it eat chocolate. in a world without truly awesome movies, suckerpunch is a truly awesome movie, so there are actually no truly awesome movies until suckerpunch which is now a truly awesome movie.   

- i am james cook

- charlie sheen on "epic and 'bi' winning - 

a small editing tribute to the vatican assassin warlock himself. bi-polar? fuck that...bi-winning, because dying's for fools bitch 

- yeah motherfucker, he got tiger blood, he just killed one - 

- the god complex -
start playing this song before you read, its not important...it's essential

as i write this i cant help but feel like a hero. the power of music can be so motivating at times, especially when you have the most epic song playing in your earholes. no, i'm not fucking around, caps lock alone could not do the song electrifying my body as i write justice. wait...draw the biggest F you can on a sheet of A3 paper, now imagine that you just sucked at trying to write in the biggest letters possible how fucking awesome this song is. no exaggeration, only letters individually as epically massive as the sun can do this song justice if you want to write "fucking legendary". as a reader i am sure that there are times where listening to a particular song may inspire you to crouch on the edge of tall buildings and look over the city eager for some justice-type action. some songs just have the ability to make you walk faster in a certain rhythm, eager on smashing the collar bones of 9 criminals. or perhaps you will imagine the face of somebody you hate in a fantastically unrealistic scenario involving the approval of a hot chick that ends with you opening your heineken with their face. 


as i am almost 100% certain that the song that i am listening to can only be listened to while you are staring into an empty grey sky wearing a long coat of some kind that billows in the wind, granite-eyed conviction most mortals would tremble before etched onto your indestructible and awesome steel face; i strongly urge you to do so. in fact not only am i suggesting this to you but this particular post is aimed at guys out there so when i say "strongly urge" i mean if downloading this song without listening to it, putting it on your ipod and going outside at night with a duster is not the only thing you will do when listening to the song, i will reach out from the internet and rip your cheek off. this post has literally been written with no spell-checks, revisions or any alterations at all, because this song is just so motherfucking cool, that it demands a certain level of perfection almost no men can live up to. however, if you feel as inspired as i do when you orgasm your brain listening to it then i am happy that i could spread the feeling of heroism anywhere. 


let me weave you a story of neil patrick harris-like proportions; even buying cigarettes for me became an epic journey of adventure. i was ready to rob the convenience store and run away in slow motion, no jokes. maybe there might have been a granny in the way during my escape, i don't care, ill knock that bag over if she threatens to hamper my awesomeness. what? red light? fuck that, i walked, cars? fuck cars they can hoot all the want, i just turned my head and gave them the finger in slow motion while the rain fell on my hair and sneering face 300 style bitch. oh wait...a dark alley way. should i go through there? it might be a shorter way home? maybe it's too dangerou....fuck that! of course i am going through! a little swagger as i spit at the feet of some gangster looking individual. look up into the sky as the light snow falls on my face...and thats just this evening, walking home listening to one song. go boys, be like heroes...

my belt also does anything else that i deem convenient in a time of crisis involving homosexual super-villains all targeting Gotham City and only Gotham City for no reason

-james cook 

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i am kim

by james cook

- if my darkest thoughts and ideas were filmed - 

did you know? that over 3500 serious sexual assaults occur each day...


- in my mind?


- this could be taken the wrong way in most cases, but there is a dark humour that caters to my severely inappropriate mind-tank...and this is it. james cook, my alter-ego is quite the fan, and to be honest, when out of character i also find this funny, however, in a different sense.


- james cook

- jesus christ...mas - 

'tis the season to be blindly happy mother-bitches. christmas is a time for family and friends don't get me wrong, however, the entire premise of santa and all this present gimmicky shit can get fucked. i hate the entire concept of marketing a holiday. i'll tell you the truth right now, yes thats right, grab your friends unsuspecting shoulder and prepare for a gasps of anticipation... 

The greatest gift any santa can give you, is fucking nothing. They will take your little cookies and milk. to your mom santa will most likely give an illegitimate child. hold up...while we are on that subject, we can all agree that if santa did exist he would be human yes? so hypothetically, if he did in fact exist, he would be the biggest player - literally in the world. ms. claus is not getting any older, and st. nick needs some gifts of his own. out of approximately 6 billion people in the world, lets say half are women just for arguments sake. that means that santa drops gifts off at 3 billion female-owned houses. if that dirty old bag were to ask all of those women if they wanted his santa babies, they can either say, yes...or no. thats 50/50. therefore without doing the actual calculations, lets say that depending on the probability...santa would bone like, 1.5 billion women, thats assuming he's not bi, jesus. thats a number. 

i think i might work at a pre-school, perhaps the tale of true santa will open some eyes? if they want to pitch gifts based on santa and christmas, make it all sexy...family value marketing gets tiring, if santa taps 1/6 of the world in one night, at least he sets an example. thats why he needs the calcium and roughage every stop (cookies and milk). it all starts to make sense now does it not? in conclusion: santa spends all year working out up north and practicing marathon sex while his vietnamese children/elves (whatever, nobodies judging...) make all the toys, then when he is ready, he travels to each house offering sex for children's gifts (how manipulative?) which obviously lands him an exorbitant amount of christmas clunge (holiday alliteration pending). merry christmas and to everyone a happy new year. opening your eyes to the truth is my holiday gift to you. out.

ps. thats why the human sex trade is going on, why do you think nobody ever finds them? it's because they are making dildos in the north pole for the 'naughty' list.

just another black narrative brought to you by,

- james cook 

Online Surveys & Market Research

- the blind path -

at a young age there exists a huge amount of uncertainty as to where you will go and whom you will be. Psychologically, young individuals are inclined to create constant and unchanging aspects to their lives. This way, these aspects have been put into place so to counter-attack the aforementioned uncertainty. Unfortunately there are only so many things you can count on being unchanging. The key, is identifying them. Some people throw themselves at scenarios that seem promising and grounding, when they are not. Truthfully, being so young and so indecisive, ironically means that even the foundations individuals have laid are subject to a second-guess. Nothing is permanent, something temporary might last longer, however, this is not to be confused with the risky craving to 'need permanence or grounding'. Once an individual realizes that everything and all is temporary, you are able to adapt to each change and gradually use those temporary experiences to gradually reinvent yourself over and over, eventually culminating into the person you were uncertain of becoming. 

- james cook

- men vs. tampons - 

The plight of man vs. p.m.s / women can be traced all the way back to the dawn of creation. I assume that the story of genesis chapters 2 and 3 (also known as adam and eve), crosses all religious, ethnic and cultural borders; everybody knows the story of 'adam and eve'. What they may not know however, is how it happened according to james cook.

 - the following parable contains original and amended text from the bible -

God took the man, and put him into the garden of Eden to dress it and to keep it. God commanded the man, saying, “Of every tree of the garden you may freely eat: but of the tree of the knowledge of good and evil, you shall not eat of it: for in the day that you eat of it you will surely die.” to the instructions, man replied "No worries man, fruits are fuckin gay anyway...later." Thereafter the man was awesome and totally content with his own company when God said, “It is not good that the man should be alone; I will make him a helper suitable for him.” This was unnecessary, as the man explained; " Dude, I'm completely fine, it's a garden for christsake."Out of the ground God formed every animal of the field, and every bird of the sky, and brought them to the man to see what he would call them anyway. Whatever the man called every living creature, that was its name.The man gave names to all cattle (steak), and to the birds of the sky (chicken), and to every animal of the field and he was content. 

Later that night God caused a deep sleep to fall on the man (chloroform), and he slept; and he took one of his ribs, and closed up the flesh in its place. He made the rib, which God had taken from the man, into a woman, and brought her to the man. The man protested; " Fuck that, why did ye take one of my ribs? For hither woman!? Actually never-ye-mind she is pretty fine, needn't worry about the rib." Life in Eden continued as man spent his spare time bear-wrestling and bull-fighting naked, while woman complained about shit to random animals. 

Now the serpent was more subtle than any animal of the field which God had made. Once he found a gap between the woman's complaints, he said to the woman, “Yes, has God said, ‘You shall not eat of any tree of the garden?’ The woman, annoyed at being interrupted in the middle of some shit,  said to the serpent, “Of the fruit of the trees of the garden we may eat, but of the fruit of the tree which is in the midst of the garden, God has said, ‘You shall not eat of it, neither shall you touch it, lest you die." The serpent said to the woman, “You won’t surely die, for God knows that in the day you eat it, your eyes will be opened, and you will be like God, knowing good and evil.”

When the woman saw that the tree was good for food, and that it was a delight to the eyes, and that the tree was to be desired to make one wise, she took of the fruit of it, and ate. She immediately knew what she had done and ran over to the man's wrestling arena lest she discover him sweaty in the midst of an unforgiving grapple against a bear. Discarding care about how important badass shit be to man, the woman ruined the man's joy lest she convince him to eat of the apple. The woman wishing not to be solely blamed for her misguidance and would rather the man be misguided too. Thus the man was beguiled til' he ate of the fruit. 

Both of their eyes were opened, and they knew that they were naked. They sewed fig leaves together, and made themselves aprons. They heard the voice of God walking in the garden in the cool of the day, and the woman hid herself from the presence of God among the trees of the garden whilst man exclaimed "Yo, God, this chick made me eat this and now I'm embarrassed and shit." " Christ woman, now I have to banish both of you from the garden of eden." God replied. To punish man God sentenced man to deal with p.m.s when it occurred in woman and to woman God gave pain during child birth and 'the period'.

- All characters mentioned in the above work are fictitious. Any resemblance to real persons, living or dead, is purely coincidental. -

To this day, man still deals with p.m.s although their plight continues. While I was dealing with the highly-feared phenomenon known to all males as p.m.s ( psychotic menstruation syndrome ), I noticed disturbing similarities between men and tampons that appear to have gone unnoticed by females:

- men vs. tampons -

often women see red both in terms of being angry and the other part, here is a list of scary similarities we have to tampons

1.Tampons: Absorb all of the unneeded annoying shit a woman has to offer.

   Men: Have to absorb an illogical woman who just needs to get angry at somebody.

2. Tampons: There are always many tampons available to do their job.

    Men: Like tampons, there are also many of us, however none of us want to do the job listed in no.1. However if you are unlucky enough to be that no.1,  also like a tampon you will only be able to take so much before you can't anymore.

3. Tampons: Are enigma's to most men.

    Men: Think that most of what you are angry about is an enigma.

4. Tampons: Get placed in harsh unforgiving terrain.

    Men: Feel like they are in harsh, unforgiving terrain when they are around, you getting raped by friendly fire.

5. Tampons: Are used now and again by women.

    Men: Are used now and again by women after we are usually mind-fucked by them

6. Tampons: Get used from half a day to a full day by women.

    Men: In some cases women, using the 'hook' method, can use a man for well over 3 months.

7. Tampons: While tampons are dispensable...

    Men: We stick around to endure their womanly habits.

- james cook

- black.frame presents -

http://www.metacafe.com/watch/4847133/black_frame_presents_callan_alexandra_van_rensburg/

black.frame is a newly-founded production and editing company working with modelling agencies, promoting models and artists. Initially an idea from Abi Parker, the idea transformed into reality when David Sessions, Abi Parker and Jesse-Michael Wentzel became proactive, after endless hours of hard work. The above video is a promotional film for model, Callan Alexandra van Rensburg in a conceptual and experimental shoot. black.frame will also be co-producing the upcoming iamjamescook video guide short films with 'james cook presents'. The soundtrack for Callan's promotional film is a song named 'Feel it in my bones' by Tiesto, Tegan and Sara. Many viewers and readers have shown interest in the song, therefore, I have posted the download link below:

- http://www15.zippyshare.com/view.jsp?locale=sv&key=8041862 -

Seeing as many absolute douchebaguettes (French for douche) are too lazy to scan their retinas across a computer screen and register the written word, I have decided to produce a video guide accompanying my posts. This are will bloggy make.read.easy.

If you require further persuasion, I will gladly leave you with this: The video posts will be as rude as the iamjamescook blog. and. it will show you guys exactly how to treat and neutralize womens irrationality (bless their souls) simultaneously. As for the fools who believe that women are easily deciphered and that one or more of my posts are slightly untrue; you will be doomed to a string of terrible relationships ending with the woman you 'love' tearing your heart out through your kneecaps. Alternatively, the same exact fools mentioned earlier, will eventually realize that pretending to know how women work is ragingly homosexual in itself; no man will ever understand...we can only understand and share what we learn day by day. In essence, that's all this blog is; sharing tips and advice between men that are more baffled than usual by female behavior and it's general lack of logic or common sense, based on what I have learnt so far.

- james cook