- jesus christ...mas - 

'tis the season to be blindly happy mother-bitches. christmas is a time for family and friends don't get me wrong, however, the entire premise of santa and all this present gimmicky shit can get fucked. i hate the entire concept of marketing a holiday. i'll tell you the truth right now, yes thats right, grab your friends unsuspecting shoulder and prepare for a gasps of anticipation... 

The greatest gift any santa can give you, is fucking nothing. They will take your little cookies and milk. to your mom santa will most likely give an illegitimate child. hold up...while we are on that subject, we can all agree that if santa did exist he would be human yes? so hypothetically, if he did in fact exist, he would be the biggest player - literally in the world. ms. claus is not getting any older, and st. nick needs some gifts of his own. out of approximately 6 billion people in the world, lets say half are women just for arguments sake. that means that santa drops gifts off at 3 billion female-owned houses. if that dirty old bag were to ask all of those women if they wanted his santa babies, they can either say, yes...or no. thats 50/50. therefore without doing the actual calculations, lets say that depending on the probability...santa would bone like, 1.5 billion women, thats assuming he's not bi, jesus. thats a number. 

i think i might work at a pre-school, perhaps the tale of true santa will open some eyes? if they want to pitch gifts based on santa and christmas, make it all sexy...family value marketing gets tiring, if santa taps 1/6 of the world in one night, at least he sets an example. thats why he needs the calcium and roughage every stop (cookies and milk). it all starts to make sense now does it not? in conclusion: santa spends all year working out up north and practicing marathon sex while his vietnamese children/elves (whatever, nobodies judging...) make all the toys, then when he is ready, he travels to each house offering sex for children's gifts (how manipulative?) which obviously lands him an exorbitant amount of christmas clunge (holiday alliteration pending). merry christmas and to everyone a happy new year. opening your eyes to the truth is my holiday gift to you. out.

ps. thats why the human sex trade is going on, why do you think nobody ever finds them? it's because they are making dildos in the north pole for the 'naughty' list.

just another black narrative brought to you by,

- james cook