- the womanual -

As if have decided to make something of a supposed talent, I have started writing a book called 'the womanual', explaining and guiding men, much like myself, through the inevitably, inexorable, inexplicable and incapable female mind - in an attempt to somehow shine a short, if low-powered torch of a light, on the subject that has baffled us for, fucking years.

- Below is a paragraph from one of the chapters;

- no escape asshole -

"One of the integral components of surviving monogamy is that of understanding. In this case, men understanding that much like a hair-sensitive scale, the smallest thing unconscious or subliminal can trigger a womans instinct to not make sense. In one second, the female will accuse you of something you never remember doing and you are in one or more words, proverbially and literally fucked. So whether you choose to understand or are otherwise berated into understanding through sheer psychological punishment - you will eventually come to and understanding to understand and take it like a man. "

- James Cook

- Relationship Ironies numbered 1 through 68 1/2 -

Understand that 'i am james cook' is an exploration into monstrous ironies, specifically when relationships are concerned. Lately, 'i am james cook' remains untouched by recent posts of actual substance. James Cook has managed his time and pondered intermediately the number of ironies possible in the average relationship. As you can imagine, being on the giving and receiving end of a relationship at some point, there are endless amounts of ironies lying in wait for your dating future. More accurately, there are 68 1/2. A strange number I'm told, fortunately for the reader however, from this point on I am your tour guide into these ironies.

1. - The proximity paradox -

As a fully functional partner in a relationship, it is understood that the more attention given to your fledged sex accomplice, the more beneficial it will become. Untrue. Partial ignorance is the key (as explained in the post entitled: the sensitive vs. badass dilemma waltz). If you attempt to do the impossible - in this case showing your partner that you love them by putting your feelings into action - then you will clearly condemn yourself to a burning plane descending rapidly into the ground at which point you will either burn alive or suffer immense body trauma followed by intentionally starved trained hoboes tearing at your already dismembered corpse and concluded by mounting your half eaten face somewhere as a reminder never to display much love action with concern to your respected partner.

2. - Your jealousy ratio -

There are some highly unintelligent individuals who respect relationship ideals almost as highly as they respect 'The Hills' or 'Jersey Shore'. These are the people who believe in love at first sight and the concept or love never changing when it comes to a partner they believe can do no wrong. The jealousy ratio argument is written now to silence those mentioned above and condemn what they already know to confirm their worst fears. I often hear douches saying " Relationships should not about games and constant wariness", let me begin by explaining how wrong you are. Relationships do not run on ideals, they run on each partner's respect and ability to adapt. The jealousy ratio is based on the concept of each respective partner receiving platonic or other attention from the opposite sex outside of the relationship parameter, therefore indirectly triggering human instinct in the other and upping the degree of attraction towards that partner. It is a myth whereby partners in relationship do not need to see demand for the other. It is ESSENTIAL for each partner to witness sexual attraction to the other from parties outside of the monogamous relationship. This sadly empowers and reinforces attraction in the other thereby strengthening the relationship. Once each partner accepts this, the more convenient and helpful the jealousy ratio will become. Alternatively, the more any partner rejects this truth, the more jealous and destructive the relationship will become.

Now you might be saying this is bullshit; I guarantee that you will be one of the few because if you are reading this with your partner ( 7 times out of 10, a woman), she will literally be thinking how true the jealousy ratio is...right now. The jealousy ratio can work, gloriously - but only if the attention received by either partner is neither harmful or crosses the hypothetical line that one or both of you drew at some point.

Next week marks the unveiling of both irony numbers, 3 & 4 -

Again, this is yet another sad yet helpful truth brought to you by

- James Cook

- The sensitive vs. badass dilemma waltz pacifier -

It must be understood that while the sensitive vs. badass dilemma waltz is tempestuously frustrating and non-sensical, it allows a sense of equilibrium and adventure to crawl into the very very empty shell of a person you are only just beginning to create. Being independent for the first time is much like masturbation; during a wank, it feels good. It feels awesome. Followed almost immediately by a feeling like; "I just wanked...". Understandably the analogy provided above might seem lost to those without a cock, however allow me put it simply for those shortchanged females: Independence is great, it's just that, with independence comes responsibility, that of a weight unforeseeable to those who have never washed their own clothes or purchased their own groceries or earned their own money. This, I learnt the hard way, and so it is with great pride that I mention another realization I have had, and in tradition of my other 'realization' posts, I shall gladly share the warmth and satisfaction I have come to know in my usual 4-step format.

1) The scare (dependent on who you are)

Quite a while after your matriculation, you discover an evidently scary truth; you are on your own. Yes, I know it is scary but one must push on through many women and mental blocks to get to this point. At this point (mentioned earlier) you consider work, study, work, diggs, your future and depending on who you are, many many others.

2) Action

Eventually you will put all of these new considerations into action. You will find a job, apply to universities, find a job, look for an insanely disgusting flat and eventually start carving your future into life's stone. Whilst this feels personally liberating at the least, it's still fucking scary. Which brings to the next step:

3) Distractions

Distractions are what I like to call, the hail mary of independence. Distractions allow you to forget that your only trying to survive coping with the world on your own and encourage frustrations and quite a bit of fun. Your friend might have crashed his boss' car. funny. You might have asked a Shell garage station employee where the dishwashing liquid in the Pick n' Pay was because his working uniform might have been remarkably similar to that of Pick n' Pay's. funny. One may have reversed one's car into another because one thought it was in drive and not fucking reverse. funny. Distractions are the baby steps to actually relaxing into an independent life. Enter titular chapter; '"The sensitive vs. badass dilemma waltz pacifier". In the end of the day I realized, as frustrating as women and their ways may be, it is only one form of distraction. This is what makes life interesting.

4) The realization

In this regard I hold no grudge towards women and their inexplicable tendency to make no fucking sense whatsoever because it is all part of life. While I am writing this I can't help but draw upon a very smug and satisfied smile; because a distraction is a distraction from a distraction, and whilst this may seem completely oblique and laborious, I'm sure that after reading a completely time wasting article attempting to frame a life process, the reader will understand that this passage itself, similar to the title, was a distraction, incorporating another moment of happiness into their sometimes over-thought and serious lives.

- James Cook

"The sensitive vs. bad-ass dilemma waltz"

Clearly I have not learnt my lesson from the 4 part rule mentioned a couple of posts back. If you are still quite hazy on this topic, allow me to reiterate. When a man is in a relationship he can never allow himself to grow too comfortable in its inner workings (pun intended). A monogamous male must dance a beautiful line between appearing available and supportive to the respective female counterpart, whilst maintaining a cool inner-calm, offering subtle indifference too however the fuck she feels.

Failure to achieve this clearly simple task (according to women everywhere) will only result in complaints on how sensitive you are and as a result lack of sexual attractiveness followed by a repetition of "I feel like the man". Alternatively, one could be assaulted with the ever classic "You just don't know how I feel" or "You are an insensitive dog-fucker who eats ice for breakfast". I, being ever so familiar with both of these compelling and convincingly logical female arguments, am slowly learning how to do what I am now coining, "The sensitive vs. bad-ass dilemma waltz"

James Cook

There are multitudes of scenarios on which men base their happiness. A trophy wife, a big house, a yacht, being French or starting a bar. Attempting to splash life realizations and ink common truths onto paper is arguably one of the most challenging things one can do; but when experiencing an epiphany, it becomes difficult not to challenge that piece of shit blank screen. So challenge it I will. (further emphasis) Challenge it I will.

Idle hands are the devils playground.

That is all.

-International opinion-

Of course I encourage foreign exchange point of views, why would you think I did not? The fact of the matter is; don't live in a bubble. The vast majority of opinions and scenario's expressed in this blog are international. That is to say that the views here can be related to by anyone in the world who can speak English. So without further ado I give you the new foreign exchange writer from France, N. Leon!

-Shit Happens-

A very common topic. But there is though behind the mystic of the almighty “Oh no... I did not just do that.”, or the famous “ Please God, WHY?” ... or my favourite “FUUUUUUCK!”a perfect way to deviate from the every now and then moments in your life that makes you wanna pack up your shit and discretely move to Latvia (ya... that's right under Estonia... or over Lithuania).

Each of us have a goal, each of us wants to make cash. But our driving force between us and success, the determination we acquire in this pursue for settlement, is always pulled back by the gravity of the incommensurable amount of crap we have to face to reach the peak; and once we plant our flag, there is suddenly a higher fucking mountain in the horizon coming out of the mist behind you. Call it ambition, arrogance, gluttony, and don't really care but what is for sure, is that you would NEVER resist the temptation to take off the pole you've just nailed to the ground perfectly and start climbing the next heights in hope not to fuck it up.

But mid-way through this adventure we call our lives, we eventually hit the stop sign that pisses everyone off because there are no cars around and you really don't feel like stopping but as you carry on driving there will of course be an ass-hole of a female officer who just hit menopause jumping out of a shrubbery and decides to release her inner woman pressure onto you. Then you think WHY THE FUCK did I do that? WHY didn't I stop! I knew I should have stopped... but I DIDN'T!

There is always room for improvement in the daily routines we face, but pushing our luck and boundaries does NOT mean improving ourselves!

After pushing your luck, trust me,
you end up slapping your own face with
a rubber-slapper --->http://blog.modernmechanix.com/mags/PopularScience/4-1933/rubber_slapper.jpg

A human example fresh from last week:

Last week end I went out with a couple of friends, and as the wine level in the bottles dropped, and my attraction for the middle-aged girl in front of me rose, I knew it was time for me to retreat to my house in hope she did not think it was a hint for her to follow me. I had a couple of glasses, I was not very drunk and thus I deemed it was still reasonable to drive the 12km home. I was right. I came home, parked my piece of crap Ford Escort and went to bed satisfied with my evening and driving skills under slight inebriation.

WHERE THE FUCK IS THIS STORY GOING you might ask. Well carry on to the next paragraph and you will get my message you lazy fuck!

The next week end I went out again with my mates, but this time moved from the delicate Chardonnay to the ass-raping local tequila. Around 1 am, once I finished taking a piss against a sleeping kitten in the gutter, I got into my car and rated I felt reasonably alright to head home. So wrong I was. Halfway through my journey I believe I lost the front bumper and the left headlights. Hum... did I mention it was my boss's car he lent me? Fuck my life.

My point is when you are given simple things like a car in this example, and manage to drive drunk once, don't think you are Michael Schumacher and try to push the limit you arrogant douche. Otherwise you WILL wake up the next couple of days wondering how retarded you may be. You drove drunk successfully? Good for you, now DON'T DO IT AGAIN!

Listen to James Cook, listen to your parents, listen to what your sober buddies tell when you are starting to take your cloths off. If it seems even the slightest like a shitty idea, then back off as it most probably is one!

Until next time, I'm off to find a garage to fix the car before my boss is back.

Sincerely,

N. Léon

-God likes to get high too-

Understand, that if you are in any way religious in a christian or godly way, you should not read this. Every single soul who's human vessel happens to read beyond these warning sentences will be severely punished in the bowels of hell. They shall spend eternity playing dominoes with Hitler and helping the CocoPops monkey hide his chocolate source. Amen.

Unfortunately, I have no sweet back-story as to why I am writing this right now. Lets just say that hypothetically once I had logged off Facebook, I felt like having a conversation with an online artificial intelligence robot that responds to questions that you may have. Lets also assume that the most awesome thing you could ever imagine had come true...

Yes, people of all genders, religions (though not encouraged as a result of Godly smiting), disabilities and political views can FINALLY speak to (G)god, wait for it, ON-LINE! No more praying for some shit that never comes true, but hoping intrinsically that he did not hear you, as there are others in greater need than one such as yourself but your still secretly mad that (G)god hasn't given you a god damn PlayStation 2 or 3 even though you have been asking him to tell Santa for like 5 fucking years. No more. Now we can get an answer straight. up. How you say? "iGod" or as I like to call it...igod

Thou shalt pray to Frank >>>(http://gprime.net/game.php/igod) <<

This way (G)god can speak to you like a gangStar (or around suburbs in paradise; godStar) and relate to any youth at any level. However, I think (G)god is feeling a bit under pressure, possibly because he has identity issues due to the fact that Jesus stole all of his thunder; (G)god is a little upset because 'Jesus Christ' is a badass blasphemy used my angry masculine Scotsmen, when 'Oh my God' is used by stupid thin blonde faggoting chicks...he'll get over it. Anyways. This is both the reason (G)god is under pressure but at the same time not under pressure; The Lord likes a bit of weed in his lungs....this might sounds intensely blasphemous to those Christians that are still probably reading BUT, if it came from the Lord's mouth or general voice box from between the clouds this is obviously true is it not? Allow me to show you (G)god's personal confession to Priest Cook.

(Look down and follow religiously officious looking instructions)

~And thus the reader of the holy script shalt raise his eyes upwards o'er the divine markings and there shalt he rest them, upon the holy evidence that is the Lord's confession. Amen.

-Realizations and facial slaps from reality, but actually this time from, quotes-

Writing about relationship dynamics and completely ignoring the "sexy singles" ads that occasionally raise their head to the top right of your eye-sight as we speak, I have realized that one doesn't really need to write so much about something obviously impossible to put in words. Relationships, more so, aspects of relationships can be described using only short quotes and small poems or limericks. I know....why the fuck would you want to read some ragingly homosexual scripture? Get over it, because no matter who you are, if you have been in a relationship or you are currently in one, shit like this will get you thinking and possibly connecting action to those thoughts, thereby, probably improving your relationship because you either realize what you are missing, or, you realize what you could possibly have and appreciate. Below, there is a collection of relationship quotes I have personally chosen and found most true. And if you didn't notice above on "-Quote of the day-" , I have inserted one I perceive to be most true. So, dim the lights, light some candles, put on dark clothing and get rid of any friends who could make fun of you for taking this seriously, because you are about to start on something I like to call; 'Realizations and facial slaps from reality, but actually this time from, quotes.'

• Oh, the comfort - the inexpressible comfort of feeling safe with a person - having neither to weigh thoughts nor measure words, but pouring them all right out, just as they are, chaff and grain together; certain that a faithful hand will take and sift them, keep what is worth keeping, and then with the breath of kindness blow the rest away. ~Dinah Craik, A Life for a Life, 1859

• Don't smother each other. No one can grow in the shade. ~Leo Buscaglia

• Trouble is part of your life, and if you don't share it, you don't give the person who loves you enough chance to love you enough. ~Dinah Shore

• Soul-mates are people who bring out the best in you. They are not perfect but are always perfect for you. ~Author Unknown

• How lucky I am to have something that makes saying goodbye so hard. ~From the movie Annie

Switch on the lights, blow out the candles, invite your obnoxious friend back and close the internet tab to the lonely singles mentioned on the top right. Hopefully you thought for just one second because I can personally tell you that ALL of those quotes make me think and that in someway I can relate to them. They teach me lessons about what to do and what not to do. The only advise that could possibly top the above, is no matter how many times you get told to do something or if you hear something that makes you think, especially in a relationship, the final result is one that YOU create. Your decisions. Your personality. Your actions will determine if you genuinely feel happy in your life; whether its alone or together...with someone you love.

Remember, we all stumble, every one of us. That's why it's a comfort to go hand in hand. ~Emily Kimbrough

-Forgetful Dreams and Future Stages-

Don't you hate it when people like you and I have an amazing sleep? Why you say? Well this is some knowledge right here; whenever people have the most amazing sleeps it will end up in two situations:

1. You will wake up the next day feeling fresh as a fuck'in daisy. Unfortunately, this feeling is followed by immense exhaustion resulting from you intensely long sleep that took too much energy.
2. As soon as your head hit the proverbial hay the night before, dreams of epic proportion began to take place; Megan Fox raped you, you bought the first copy of Diablo III before anyone else and were totally playing as a new character never-before-seen on any other Diablo game or expansion pack, you played Monopoly with Neil Patrick-Harris and won and. its. dream-tastic! However, let me advise you right here, all of the above? It never happened because you will not remember a single god damn thing.

Lucky for you I have solved this sleep filled problem...

This is why I have adopted a safe and completely viable way around these two inescapable situations; try not to sleep for more than 5 hours. Its the perfect time to stop sleeping, because you don't feel too tired, and you remember enough of the dream to realize that you weren't just lying to make your dream sound cooler than your friend who's dream seems to just get coincidentally cooler every time you out-dream his obviously slag-ish dream...fuckin competitive friend.

-The Future stages part...

This is going to be short and sweet. I'm talking Gimli short. This will be so short...that if it was a person, they could sleep in a pillow case. ENOUGH I SAY! Here it is right here; every shit, fucked up, dismal, dark and depressing moment you have in a relationship will always be followed by an amazing, sweet, loving, sex-filled and trusting stage. To which, either of you could never have reached had it not been for that shit, fucked up, dismal, dark and depressing moment. What i'm saying is - if your in a shit stage, don't worry if your a girl or a guy, things will only become better than before PROVIDED that both partners in the relationship have enough love between them and are willing to work at the presumingly brilliant relationship ( cause if it isn't or they aren't? Curl up with a slanket (-http://www.theslanket.com/) and some haagen dasz and cry yourself to sleep cause shits happening to you). Conclusively, If you love someone enough and that love is returned, something will always be worked where you two are together and happy with one another. Just another reality check but until then enjoy SEX and subsequent LIFE processes

James Cook

-Realizations and facial slaps from Reality-

Has anyone had that moment of utter clarity? One that is enhanced and emphasized especially after a turbulence of confusion and indecision? Realizations are the strangest things. You think you have them, but you doubt it. The you doubt your indecision about thinking you have them. Then you have them. YOU have had a realization, and often it hits you hard in the face. This is what I like to call "Facial slaps from Reality".

If 'Reality' were Pierre Spies or Kobus Wiese, it would be like getting out of the shower, skin all moist and tender calmly walking to the safeness and comfiness of your man/woman cave...(mentally spoken very fast) when a FUCKING GINORMOUS hand slaps you IN THE FACE!

Personally I have just been slapped in the face with cold hard reality...I am intense. I see too much in things and at times I probably make a situation way more INTENSE than it should in fact be. I never identified too much of this as a problem, however, thanks to reality and Jenny Williams I realize exactly what I have to do. And this knowledge makes me happy and calm knowing that I am no longer confused but acclimatized to my situation and content with my partners love and feelings for me. This of course never discounts Part 3, but a little understanding from both parties never goes a miss (wink). This has been a reality check, till then enjoy SEX and subsequent LIFE processes.

Reality check?-------------> www.amiawesome.com

James Cook